I have to apologize for not posting prior to this. I really didn’t feel like I had time to figure out how to post with everything we had going on and just the constant worry about Penelope. Aaron, aka Dad, filled you in on the recent events of today and I have to say…whew. I want to try to not put too much in here about how I feel, only because I think my feelings are really secondary to whatever my little nugget is going through, but I have to put a little something about my feelings for my first post.

I went through all of the same emotions that all of the parents and moms go through when a child gets cancer, or any chronic sickness. What did I do wrong? The whole time I was pregnant I did everything I was supposed to, EVERYTHING. My mantra was “If something ever happened to her I wanted the solace of knowing it was no fault of my own”. I told one of the nurses, Sarah, about my mantra when she was reminding me that it wasn’t anything I did and she wondered if it was some kind of intuition I had that Penelope had cancer. That was the first time that had ever crossed my mind. Even if it was some kind of intuition it made me feel terrible still, having that mother’s intuition of even knowing there might be something wrong. After a couple of days of the whoa-is-me’s I realized I could what-if and whoa-is-me myself to death and that wasn’t going to change anything. I also know that Penelope is scared out of her little mind and has no idea why this is all happening and no matter what I try to say to her in the hopes of her understanding she won’t. All she knows is that there are a ton of strangers poking her and holding her down and she wants her momma. So I had to change my view.

Stay strong, stay organized, stay focused. She is scared and me being scared and crying will only make her more scared so, I have to be strong. It is what it is and we have to learn how to deal with it and move forward. It seems silly to say but Aaron and I go in opposing waves. When he is upset and in the “why” frame of mind, I am strong and focused. When he is strong and focused, I’m a mess. It helps most of the time but there are times when we both breakdown. Needless to say Penelope is a trooper. It breaks my heart to see her in pain and many times I just get up in her crib and snuggle with her. I want so badly just to hold her in my arms while she sleeps without the cords and the pain. I want to see her walking and talking. I want her to smile and dance with Elmo and get giddy and tickled when she gives him kisses and hugs. I want to have her Sesame Street 1st birthday party at the park like we planned.

All the “what if’s” are killers but, she’s here and as beautiful as ever. She is loved by people all over the world, literally. She received a personalized bunny gift from colleagues of Aaron’s in the UK and well wishes and donations from other colleagues in China, so literally all over the world. Thank you all for your encouragement, support, well wishes, good vibes, prayers, healing wishes, donations, kind words. Thank you to all of you who know us now, our family and friends, who knew us in elementary, middle and high school (MVHS has come through with a vengeance! Thanks guys!), those of you who have had neuroblastoma touch your lives, cancer touch your life, or some other chronic illness. Thanks to those of you who don’t even know us. Thank all of you very much, it means more to me than any words can express.

Penelope, my angel, sweet girl, ladybug, nugget, baby bean…she is sleeping peacefully right now in the crib next to me. We are in a new room, on a new floor, with a new nurse but she finds comfort in me and I in her. I cherish her, I always have. I have waited for her my whole life and am thankful everyday to her Daddy (or “Dat” as she says) for her. She means the world to me and I am so lucky that she means so much to so many other people with huge hearts. She really is amazing and she’ll get through this, and we’ll all be stronger for having experienced this and watched her persevere. So young and yet so strong.

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