It is the eve of the birthday of the most precious little lady in my whole life. Tomorrow this little amazing person will be three. Two out of her three birthdays have been spent in the hospital. Her Tia, Marley’s mom, asked her today what she wanted for her birthday and she said she wanted to “go where Mickey Mouse clubhouse is”, I’m guessing she means Disneyland, but that she couldn’t go because she had no hair. When Tia, Krystonia, told her that she could totally still go she got very mad and said “It’s gonna grow back Tia”. It sounds really heartbreaking but she also reminded me of something tonight.
As we lay down for bed and say our prayers, for the first time EVER, she asked me if she was going to die. We say your standard “Now I lay me down to sleep” prayer and I know she didn’t understand the gravity of her question but it is a very fair and valid question. It was quickly followed up with “to take MY soul?”. We changed that bedtime prayer tonight. In my 34 years of life I only know that one prayer to say before bed…and it’s a new one now.
We changed it to “Now I lay me down to sleep. Jesus bless me with what you have for me. Thank you for today and for all of the tomorrows ahead. Hold me tight and keep me safe. Amen”. She’s so sweet because after the prayer we bless everyone in our lives that she thinks of, standard is all of our family (California, Texas and Oklahoma), the dogs (or rather every dog she has ever met because she is a big, BIG dog lover), Marley and her family, Sky and her family (which takes a long time to say guys…a little help), and God Bless Jodi (her Physical Therapist <3).
My sweet angel, I never wanted anything more in my entire life but you. I always said that when I grew up I wanted to be a mom and well…God was listening and he is putting my “mom” to the test. I have some very special people that I was lucky enough to have in my life at one point or another who helped me learn who I was and become the person I am today. One mom showed me how challenges come and you just keep going and keep loving and never lose hope. She is an amazing woman and friend to me and I will always try my hardest to honor her knowledge by loving you with everything I am. I am so sorry you have to endure all of this, if I could take it from you I would take it in a second. I would fight and fight to make sure I was here with you always but since it’s not mine internally but yours I need you to fight and fight and fight harder for me. I need you. I can retrace all of my steps in life and in pregnancy to figure out what happened, if I did something, if there is something I could change to take it back from your little body but I refuse to grieve and I won’t let anyone else either. You’re here. WE’RE STRONG! WE WILL WIN. You’re mine forever and this WILL NOT BEAT US. I love you more than anything in the world. You are my sweet angel, my ladybug, my midget…my everything. Happy Birthday my love…you are a blessing to so many and are flooded with love, prayers, thought of comfort and good vibes. In everything you do, even at your age, you excel and impress. Keep it up and we’ll be just fine.
I love you.
If you want a cool shirt like Penelope’s go to DWBHShirts.org and buy one (or another one if you want something else) in her name! She is a warrior on their page and they are assisting in some of our expenses. I am also working on a paypal button but haven’t quite figured it out. So all of you who have been asking me, I’m still figuring it out but hopefully it will be up this weekend. Thank you all for your love and support.